The key idea
Violence does not affirm gender identity. An abuser can exploit the need to have that identity recognized.
Among some trans women who survive intimate partner violence, a striking formulation appears in clinical and testimonial narratives: “He hit me, but he made me feel like his woman.” The statement should not be read as consent to abuse or enjoyment of pain. It can instead reveal a relationship in which gender recognition, emotional dependency, social exclusion, and coercive control have become dangerously intertwined.
In this article
Abstract
Across Ecuador, Mexico, Colombia, Panama, Chile, Argentina, and Spain, a recurring testimonial pattern has been described among trans women who have survived intimate partner violence: the abuser is remembered not only as violent but also as someone who “made them feel like a woman.” This article examines that pattern through the lenses of minority stress, gender affirmation, coercive control, and the cultural normalization of patriarchal violence, drawing on empirical evidence from Ecuador, Uruguay, Spain, Cuba, the United States, and other relevant research settings. The central argument is that the phenomenon should not be interpreted as consent or masochism. Rather, it may reflect the exploitation, by an abuser, of a legitimate psychological need for gender validation in contexts shaped by structural exclusion.
Keywords: intimate partner violence against trans women, coercive control, gender affirmation, minority stress, transphobia, gender-based violence, transgender mental health.
01 · Context
When an intimate relationship also becomes a source of gender recognition
Patriarchal societies have long produced narratives in which women are expected to tolerate partner violence in exchange for economic security, social recognition, or marital status. In some accounts involving trans women, a distinct layer appears: the relationship may provide not only affection or companionship, but also recognition of a gender identity that is denied elsewhere.
That structural difference matters. A trans woman may encounter rejection in her family, discrimination in employment, hostility in public spaces, or institutional invalidation. If an intimate partner becomes the primary — or only — person who consistently recognizes her as a woman, the relationship can acquire an outsized identity function. Losing the relationship may then feel like losing not only a partner, but also the social space in which her womanhood was affirmed.
The clinical question is not “Why did she accept the violence?” but “What sources of recognition, safety, and belonging had been made scarce outside the relationship?”
02 · Conceptual framework
Minority stress, gender affirmation, and coercive control
2.1 Minority stress
Meyer’s minority stress model (2003) explains how LGBTQ+ people may experience additional stressors that arise from stigma and social exclusion. These include distal stressors such as discrimination and victimization, as well as proximal processes such as expectations of rejection, concealment, and the internalization of hostile social messages. For trans women, these pressures may compound other stressors such as unemployment, poverty, housing insecurity, or family rejection.
2.2 Gender affirmation as a legitimate need
Gender affirmation refers to experiences of being recognized, valued, and treated in ways that are congruent with one’s gender identity. Psychological affirmation can support wellbeing, reduce dysphoria, and help buffer the impact of marginalization. The clinical concern is not the need for affirmation itself. The concern emerges when affirmation becomes concentrated almost entirely in one intimate partner who simultaneously uses violence, intimidation, or control.
Research cited in the source material indicates that social gender affirmation is associated with mental-health and quality-of-life outcomes among trans women, while recent intimate partner violence may disrupt that protective relationship. This makes the distribution of affirming relationships — family, friendships, community, healthcare, and other social institutions — clinically relevant.
2.3 Coercive control: focus on the perpetrator’s strategy
Coercive control is best understood as a sustained pattern of domination rather than a single incident. It can include isolation, surveillance, intimidation, humiliation, manipulation, control of money or movement, and alternating cruelty with care. In relationships involving trans people, societal transphobia can itself become a tool of power: threats of outing, identity invalidation, humiliation, or statements such as “no one else will accept you” may increase emotional entrapment.
Terms such as “trauma bonding,” “codependency,” or “learned helplessness” may describe mechanisms, but they should not be used to move responsibility from the perpetrator’s pattern of coercion to the survivor’s supposed psychological deficit.
2.4 Cultural normalization and hegemonic gender roles
Research on couples in which one partner is a trans woman has described violence as a process that can become normalized while reproducing socially dominant expectations of masculinity and femininity (Suárez Socarrás & Martín, 2022). Other work has framed trans women’s victimization within cumulative processes of exclusion in which misogyny and transphobia interact rather than operate as separate forces (Martínez Menéndez et al., 2019).
03 · Evidence
What the available research shows
| Country / source | Reported finding |
|---|---|
| Systematic review — 28 studies | Rodríguez Otero et al. (2015) reported wide prevalence estimates for intimate partner violence among transsexual, transgender, and intersex populations, while identifying heterosexism and transphobia as relevant risk factors. |
| Clinical sample — published in Uruguay | Fernández et al. (2019) reported physical, economic, sexual, and psychological violence, with higher exposure among people with a female identity in the sample described. |
| Young trans women — United States | Garthe et al. (2018) reported a 42% prevalence of intimate partner violence in a multisite sample of 204 young trans women, including forms of violence tied specifically to gender identity. |
| China — mediation study | Xu et al. (2025) examined pathways linking adverse childhood experiences and adult intimate partner violence through self-esteem and LGBT minority stress. |
| Ecuador — PsicoTrans Center, Quito | A 2022 undergraduate thesis from Universidad Central del Ecuador examined physical, severe-physical, and sexual violence among trans women aged 25–40 receiving services at the PsicoTrans Center during 2021–2022. |
Methodological note: prevalence estimates differ across studies because samples, definitions, instruments, and settings vary. They should not be treated as directly interchangeable population estimates.
04 · Clinical interpretation
Reinterpreting “He hit me and made me feel like a woman”
The phrase does not describe a taste for pain. It can be read as a three-part relational equation:
1 · Structural exclusion
Family, workplace, or public environments may repeatedly deny gender recognition and belonging.
2 · Recognition concentrated in the partner
The abuser may link possessiveness, jealousy, or traditional gender scripts to the recognition of her femininity.
3 · Control through scarcity
A legitimate need for affirmation becomes conditional on tolerating the same relationship that produces harm.
The laughter or emotional distancing that can accompany some survivor narratives should not automatically be interpreted as indifference or true minimization of harm. Clinical interpretation requires context, careful assessment, and attention to defensive coping processes rather than assumptions about consent.
05 · Clinical and public-policy implications
What services and interventions should address
Trans-inclusive violence services
Support systems should recognize identity-specific tactics of abuse and remove barriers that prevent trans survivors from seeking help safely.
Independent sources of affirmation
Therapy, community, friendships, family support, and affirming institutions can reduce the concentration of identity validation in one intimate relationship.
Name the tactic, not a defect
Clinical work should identify coercive-control strategies without pathologizing the survivor or reducing the case to “dependency.”
In Ecuador, Constitutional Court ruling 66-18-IS/24 addressed the recognition of gender identity on national identity documents. Legal recognition is significant, but it does not by itself resolve vulnerability within intimate relationships. That distinction matters: formal identity rights and protection from interpersonal violence are related, but they require different institutional responses.
Conclusion
The central question is not why a survivor stayed. It is how coercive control made leaving more difficult.
This pattern is not evidence that trans women “allow” violence. It is evidence that, where gender recognition is scarce, an abusive partner may turn that scarcity into leverage. Clinical intervention and public policy should therefore expand legitimate, independent sources of affirmation, strengthen support networks, and recognize the perpetrator’s strategies of control rather than locating the problem in the survivor.
FAQ
Intimate partner violence against trans women: frequently asked questions
Can abuse ever be a form of gender affirmation?
Abuse does not affirm gender identity. However, an abusive partner may combine gender recognition with possessiveness, jealousy, or violence in ways that make the relationship feel uniquely validating. Clinically, the task is to separate legitimate affirmation from the coercive package in which the perpetrator has embedded it.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a sustained pattern of domination that may involve isolation, intimidation, monitoring, financial control, threats, humiliation, and manipulation. For trans survivors, it can also involve identity-specific abuse such as misgendering, outing threats, or leveraging social transphobia.
How does minority stress affect intimate relationships?
Minority stress can add chronic burdens linked to stigma, discrimination, rejection, and concealment. These pressures do not cause abuse, but they may reduce access to support, increase isolation, or make an affirming relationship feel unusually difficult to leave.
What should psychological intervention prioritize?
Safety, autonomy, nonjudgmental assessment, independent sources of gender affirmation, supportive networks, and identification of the perpetrator’s coercive tactics. Warning signs can guide assessment, but they are not diagnoses by themselves.
References
Fernández, M., Guerra, P., Concha, V., Neir, M., & Martínez, N. (2019). Violencia de pareja en personas con disforia de género. Ciencias Psicológicas, 13(2), 185–196. https://doi.org/10.22235/cp.v13i2.1871
Garthe, R. C., Hidalgo, M. A., Hereth, J., Garofalo, R., Reisner, S. L., Mimiaga, M. J., & Kuhns, L. (2018). Prevalence and risk correlates of intimate partner violence among a multisite cohort of young transgender women. LGBT Health, 5(6).
Martínez Menéndez, N. et al. (2019). Violencia de pareja hacia las mujeres transgénero. Psicosomàtica y Psiquiatría, (9).
Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697.
Ricks, J. M., & Horan, J. (2023). Associations between childhood sexual abuse, intimate partner violence trauma exposure, mental health, and social gender affirmation among Black transgender women. Health Equity.
Rodríguez Otero, L. M., Carrera Fernández, M. V., Lameiras Fernández, M., & Rodríguez Castro, Y. (2015). Violencia en parejas transexuales, transgénero e intersexuales: una revisión bibliográfica. Saúde e Sociedade, 24(3), 914–935.
Safe & Together Institute. (2025). 4 ways the concept of trauma bonding works against survivors.
Seligman, M. (1972). Learned helplessness. Annual Review of Medicine.
Suárez Socarrás, D. R., & Martín, M. del R. (2022). Mujeres trans, parejas y violencias. Un análisis impostergable. Revista Sexología y Sociedad, 28(2), 207–230.
Violencia de pareja en mujeres transexuales de 25 a 40 años del Centro PsicoTrans del DMQ en el periodo diciembre 2021-abril 2022. (2022). Undergraduate thesis, Universidad Central del Ecuador.
Walker, L. (1979). The battered woman. Harper & Row.
Xu, L., Xu, H., Wang, Z., Hu, J., Zheng, Y., Chang, R., Wang, Y., & Cai, Y. (2025). Adverse childhood experiences and intimate partner violence in adulthood among transgender women. Annals of Medicine.
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Abg. Psic. Diane Rodríguez, Mgs. Consultora de Derechos Humanos y Salud Mental 